Giving Up, Starting Something new

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Annoyed

I haven't talked to P. in two weeks. While this isn't incredibly rare, it is when it is coming from him. I hope things are going all right for him, but I am so freaking horny it's ridiculous. I don't think I'll be meeting with him any time soon, if ever. There has been too many games played by both sides.

I'm antsy, though and wish he would just reply back with a message that things are all right with him and that he's no longer interested, or if he is still interested and is just too busy at the moment to do anything about it right now.

Postponed

P. and I are playing a version of phone tag. I have not heard from him since he cancelled on me last Friday and I'm beginning to think he just got my hopes up to show me how he felt after I had canceled on him so many times. It doesn't look as if I'll be meeting with him.

I'm actually disappointed because he is the only person I was interested in that I found on different Web sites. I know he's for real because I've sucked his cock before. So it isn't a scam. He literally lives 20 minutes from me, depending on traffic. I've even got his address now but I'm not a creeper and have yet to make the drive to his place.

I don't think we'll be able to meet within the next two weeks either because he will no longer have the house to himself since his son will be home for the holidays. And I will not have sex with him at a hotel. I find it to be slightly trashy if it isn't with something who you are completely romantically linked with.

Like for instance, when I sucked P. off twice in one night, we were at a seedy motel and it was literally a half hour or so after I had met him. I felt disgusting afterward. I was upset with myself because I had just met him and I really hadn't been prepared to go to a hotel with him. I have sucked off one other older man in his house, which was disgustingly full of junk and it took him forever to get off and he liked anal play.

I do not do anal or anything to do with the anus. I think if others like it, that's fine. But I don't like it and am unwilling to try it.

I'm just frustrated because I'm so horny and I have no one to get off with.

Waiting Game

I am still waiting on pins and needles for P. to get home from his vacation. He's also supposed to send me pictures. Unfortunately, I am not a patient person and so I've been masturbating more and more while looking at pictures of his pretty cock that I have and waiting even more impatiently for the pictures he's supposed to send me.

It sucks that I finally got up the guts to meet with P. and he's out of town and will be until at least 2 weeks after I contacted him. It sucks.

The only good side to P. being gone right now is that he's gone while I am on the rag. I just get so freaking horny at this time of the month that I really wish I could suck his cock and have him cum in my mouth.

Waiting sucks.

And I'm back in the game...

I'm talking to P. again. I've been masturbating to his pictures and fantasizing that he is taking my virginity.

And even though P. doesn't know I'm a virgin, I really think that his age will lend to the experience. P. is 52 and even though he's nearly 30 years older than me, I find him to be attractive. I look forward to when he gets home from his business trip so I can suck his cock and drink down his spunk. I also look forward to whatever reaming he is going to give me. I'm sure it's going to be a hard one because I've been such a cock tease for the past year or more. He said he understood and that he looked forward to still getting together.

Until he gets back, though, I have to be content with his pictures. We're going to exchange some new ones so that we each have some fresh masturbation material. Just thinking about it makes me wet with anticipation. I'm not in love with P. by any stretch of the imagination, but I am definitely in lust with him.

Indecisiveness and Porn

Right now my nipples are ridiculously tight and I'm horny as hell. Unfortunately, I have no way to let off some steam as I have already masturbated to the point of pain today.

I have been in contact with P. again despite the fact I told myself I should drop him like a hot potato. I guess I don't know what I'm going to do. Though I'll probably continue to string him along for a bit before I let him know for sure that I do not want to have sex with him. He still doesn't know I'm a virgin and I'm reluctant to tell him because with all of my constant teasing I act like a huge tart. But, really, it's all a bunch of hot air.

I've been watching a lot of porn lately. The videos that seem to really get my juices flowing all star this one older man having sex with 18 to 25 year old women. I don't find the man attractive, but I find the way he treats the women enticing and wish that I could have someone treat me like that. Too bad I'm too dysfunctional to be so outgoing as to go for a casting call. Needless to say, I do not have the body for it and probably never will since I haven't been able to lose weight in over four months.

I wish I had a way to let off his extra hormonal energy. Too bad I rubbed myself raw earlier otherwise I would go for that. If anyone has any suggestions, I am open to them.

Not gonna meet, not gonna lose virginity

I think I am going to figure out a way to tell P. that I am no longer interested in meeting him in person. I can live with being a virgin until I meet someone else. I just feel wrong and squicked when I think of meeting him in person.

I have been making excuses and leading him on for too long now. I'm more content masturbating than I am with the thought of meeting P. in person. I just don't know what to say. My excuses have been lame and unoriginal.

Who knows, maybe I'll be like that Boyle lady and be a 40 y.o virgin. I have at least kissed three men. And when I say men, I mean it. They were all at least 50 years old, if not older. I'm so gross.

No Meeting, Yet(?)

So I have not yet been to visit P. Our date for Tuesday had to be cancelled because of various real life happenings. Surprisingly enough, I'm not disappointed that our meeting was cancelled. I think this is because I feel as if I am in over my head. I want to have sex, but I am unsure if I am ready. So instead, I spend the day with my fingers in my pussy and watching other girls get fucked and as they suck cocks.

I had some interesting conversations at work yesterday about sex, homosexuality, and why the male and female genitalia is so gross. My friend said she decided at a young age that she was a lesbian because she finds penises to be gross. She doesn't like the way they squirt. It squicks her. My other friend said that sex in general is actually pretty gross when you think about, though during the act itself she has a lot of fun. She said that the sweat and the mixing of fluids is disgusting and incredibly dirty. And that while it may seem fun at the time, you really should shower and not think about what you just did afterward.

I guess, in the end, that I am nervous about meeting P. I guess that I really don't want to meet him, and I've just been this horrendous cock tease.

The Feeling is Imminent

I exchanged a lengthy conversation with P. (the older man I have been chatting with) and we have decided to meet on Tuesday around 10 a.m. at a local motel that rents out "nap rooms." I am nervous, but I haven't let him know that.

He spent the evening telling me how he wanted to pound my pussy after ripping my clothes off me. Sounds like a horrid, bodice-ripper novel; however, I'm sure with the way our conversations have been leaving him to utilize his hand quite often that he definitely feels that way. He also says, "You have kept me waiting so long you need to be taught a lesson.... hehe... though not a terribly unpleasant one...."

He also told me he is interested in roll playing, but said his favorite scenario depends on mine. "I don't mean that to sound like a cop out but both parties need to be comfortable and excited by it."

I think this is true. He's offered to teach me about being submissive, though he says he can be either dominant or submissive. I think I would like to be bossed around sexually mainly because I have to be in control everywhere else.

I am hoping he can properly abuse my nipples, though, because I have figured out that if I abuse my nipples in just the right way I drip like a faucet. He's offered, and I hope he can live up to whatever oddball fantasy I have in my head.

The only thing I am sure of, aside for the fact I hope I don't flake on this meeting, is that he brings the condoms and is prepared to teach me and allow me to leave for work by 1:30. We'll see, though.