Indecisiveness and Porn

Right now my nipples are ridiculously tight and I'm horny as hell. Unfortunately, I have no way to let off some steam as I have already masturbated to the point of pain today.

I have been in contact with P. again despite the fact I told myself I should drop him like a hot potato. I guess I don't know what I'm going to do. Though I'll probably continue to string him along for a bit before I let him know for sure that I do not want to have sex with him. He still doesn't know I'm a virgin and I'm reluctant to tell him because with all of my constant teasing I act like a huge tart. But, really, it's all a bunch of hot air.

I've been watching a lot of porn lately. The videos that seem to really get my juices flowing all star this one older man having sex with 18 to 25 year old women. I don't find the man attractive, but I find the way he treats the women enticing and wish that I could have someone treat me like that. Too bad I'm too dysfunctional to be so outgoing as to go for a casting call. Needless to say, I do not have the body for it and probably never will since I haven't been able to lose weight in over four months.

I wish I had a way to let off his extra hormonal energy. Too bad I rubbed myself raw earlier otherwise I would go for that. If anyone has any suggestions, I am open to them.

Not gonna meet, not gonna lose virginity

I think I am going to figure out a way to tell P. that I am no longer interested in meeting him in person. I can live with being a virgin until I meet someone else. I just feel wrong and squicked when I think of meeting him in person.

I have been making excuses and leading him on for too long now. I'm more content masturbating than I am with the thought of meeting P. in person. I just don't know what to say. My excuses have been lame and unoriginal.

Who knows, maybe I'll be like that Boyle lady and be a 40 y.o virgin. I have at least kissed three men. And when I say men, I mean it. They were all at least 50 years old, if not older. I'm so gross.

No Meeting, Yet(?)

So I have not yet been to visit P. Our date for Tuesday had to be cancelled because of various real life happenings. Surprisingly enough, I'm not disappointed that our meeting was cancelled. I think this is because I feel as if I am in over my head. I want to have sex, but I am unsure if I am ready. So instead, I spend the day with my fingers in my pussy and watching other girls get fucked and as they suck cocks.

I had some interesting conversations at work yesterday about sex, homosexuality, and why the male and female genitalia is so gross. My friend said she decided at a young age that she was a lesbian because she finds penises to be gross. She doesn't like the way they squirt. It squicks her. My other friend said that sex in general is actually pretty gross when you think about, though during the act itself she has a lot of fun. She said that the sweat and the mixing of fluids is disgusting and incredibly dirty. And that while it may seem fun at the time, you really should shower and not think about what you just did afterward.

I guess, in the end, that I am nervous about meeting P. I guess that I really don't want to meet him, and I've just been this horrendous cock tease.

The Feeling is Imminent

I exchanged a lengthy conversation with P. (the older man I have been chatting with) and we have decided to meet on Tuesday around 10 a.m. at a local motel that rents out "nap rooms." I am nervous, but I haven't let him know that.

He spent the evening telling me how he wanted to pound my pussy after ripping my clothes off me. Sounds like a horrid, bodice-ripper novel; however, I'm sure with the way our conversations have been leaving him to utilize his hand quite often that he definitely feels that way. He also says, "You have kept me waiting so long you need to be taught a lesson.... hehe... though not a terribly unpleasant one...."

He also told me he is interested in roll playing, but said his favorite scenario depends on mine. "I don't mean that to sound like a cop out but both parties need to be comfortable and excited by it."

I think this is true. He's offered to teach me about being submissive, though he says he can be either dominant or submissive. I think I would like to be bossed around sexually mainly because I have to be in control everywhere else.

I am hoping he can properly abuse my nipples, though, because I have figured out that if I abuse my nipples in just the right way I drip like a faucet. He's offered, and I hope he can live up to whatever oddball fantasy I have in my head.

The only thing I am sure of, aside for the fact I hope I don't flake on this meeting, is that he brings the condoms and is prepared to teach me and allow me to leave for work by 1:30. We'll see, though.

I watch what I watch, and I am not ashamed

I watch a lot of porn. As a general rule I only watch it when my bedroom door is shut and I have a blanket covering me so I can let my hands trail over my breasts and in between my legs. However, lately I have become more bold and have begun to leave the door open a crack when I either read erotica or watch the different porn Web sites I have found.

This post is more about to what type of porn I watch and the type of erotica I read. I watch porn that includes an older man with a young girl, generally in her teens. And I have a thing for watching creampies, though I have never had one they fascinate me. I read erotica with the theme of an older fatherly/grandfatherly/teacher figure taking advantage of young girls, as well.

It's a common theme for me. I guess the thought of being with an older man has always fascinated me and having him give me a creampie would be a bonus. And watching the videos and reading about it turns me on more than anything. And I'm wet just thinking about it.

The older man I have been in contact with texted me today and asked for me to send him more pictures to tide him over until we're able to meet in person. I have two of his cock—one is just of him hard and the other shows his cock right after he came. I specifically asked for the second one. And I masturbate to both pictures frequently.

I have been debating whether or not I want him to bring a camera to our meeting so he can take pictures of his condom-clad cock entering my pussy or my lips wrapped around his cock while I fellate him. Not that any of that matters until I decide when I am actually going to meet with him.

The Frustrated Virgin

Originally, I was unsure of what to write about for my inaugural post; however, I have decided to start with the fact I am still a virgin—albeit an extremely sexually frustrated one.

I am constantly aroused. Unfortunately, I am unsure of what sets me off, but the littlest things can get my pussy wet. And the fragrance that occurs because of this is pleasant, which quite possibly makes me even more aroused.

At 22, I am unsure if I want to lose my virginity yet. Though nothing especially pressing stopping me. I do have someone who is interested in me. He's in his forties and while it's flattering he is interested in me sexually, there is little chemistry elsewhere. The 20 year age difference doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I'm quite apt to be more attracted to older men than I am to younger ones. I think it's the experience that I like. I think my biggest issue with him is that I would prefer not to meet in a hotel room and he has a son not much younger than myself that lives at home. My house is not an option because I have roommates that never leave and I am not an exhibitionist.

So I guess until such a time that I can actually get some action I am stuck masturbating. And I masturbate. A lot. I probably masturbate more often than the average person. Any time I am laying in my bed I have one hand massaging my pussy and one hand massaging my breasts or pinching my nipples.

So here's the first post of my muddled musings and we'll see where this takes me.